One of the most frequent questions that I get asked from people is that people say that I fall in love with this person and I get too much attached to him or her and it hurts both of us. It hurts me and to the other person. How can I love someone without getting attached to that person? That is one of the frequent questions that people talk with friends or friends etc. To understand about this, first of all you need to understand what is the difference between love and attachment. Let's know first the difference.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND ATTACHMENT:
If you're in love with someone, if you fall in love with someone, this means the pure love, the love I would say, you say that I need you to be happy. That's what you say. I need you to be happy. If that happiness includes me, that's much better. If it does not include me, it's okay. Anyway, I need you to be happy in your life. That is love.
In attachment, you say, you need to make me happy. If they are not able to make you happy, then what do you say? Why aren't you making me happy? The love you give to me and the things that you do to me is not enough. That's what you say. That is called attachment.
So did you see the difference? That means in love you think about other people's happiness. As a result of thinking other people's happiness or wishing other people's happiness you get the same thing back. But in attachment you wish your own happiness. Only that you become.
It's a form of selfishness. So, this is the difference between love and attachment.
HOW ATTACHMENT HAPPENS
Here's how it happens. You see this person and you think like, oh, he or she is perfect for me. He's the best thing for me. And I want to be with that person forever. I need to be with him or her forever. I know I don't want to let that person go off my life. I don't want that person to leave my life. I need to be with that person. in that case, you hold on to that person tightly, You grab that person and you don't want to let go of that person. Then, what do you do? In the next step, you try to protect him or her. Sometimes you overprotect him or her. So some people they put restrictions. You should not use social media. You should not go and talk with other people. You should not come out of house. Remember, the more you try to hold on to someone's life, and the more you try to control someone's life, chances are very, very high for you to lose that person.
Because if you dive into the Buddhist teachings, when you dive deep into Buddhist teachings, Buddha says that you live in your own private world as well as others. Same like you, other people are also living in their private world. You create your own private world, you create your own happiness, you create your own sadness and everything that you create is created by yourself. Your world is created by yourself. So it goes same with others. They are living in their private world. Same as you like to be happy and same as you like to be free, those people around you likes to be happy and free. So what happens when you try to put restrictions on someone? What happens is they don't like it. No one likes to be under, totally under control of someone. They need to have some sort of freedom in their life.
So, chances are very high for you to lose that person if you try to protect and overprotect and hold on to it and hold on to that person and you think like I need to be with that person. And what happens next is you become afraid of losing that person. You think what if that this this guy or this person left leave me? what will happen to me? my whole world will be be a disaster.
THE REALITY OF LIFE
Remember the reality of life is no one in this world is permanent. Everyone, everything, every experience in this life is subjected to change. That is the reality of life. So that is how attachment happens. But in love you come to the reality. When you love someone correctly and purely without too much attachment, you come to this reality, to this real world, you know that these people around me are not going to live forever with me. It's not going to happen. Now one of the things that Buddha advised us to remember every time, every single day and every single time that it is possible to remember, Buddha said, remember that everyone around you, every person who loves you and who you love is going to leave you. You have to be separated from these people. I know it is painful. It is difficult to think because we love people. We are afraid of losing them. But one day in one way or another, and soon or later this will happen. At least at the death it will happen. So we have to leave these people around us. we are not going to live forever. So when you realize that, that is the reality. when you realize that, you come to the reality and think, I have a very little time with these people.
SHOWING LOVE IN LIMITED TIME
Actually, the life is short we have, if we live, if nothing happened to us, we will live only for maybe like 85 years. Who knows? So life is very short. Then you know that, I'm not going to live with this person forever. So what do you do? You show your love, affection, kindness and compassion to this person in the best way that you can in this little time because you know that you have a very little time.
UNDERSTANDING THE REALITY OF LIFE
So to love someone, you need to understand the reality of life. What is the reality of life? Everything is subjected to change everything is ever-changing. That is called Anicca in Buddhism. it is not permanent. It is impermanent. The second thing is that everyone in their own world is suffering. we suffer in our own private worlds, So we have our own private and personal sufferings. Same like that others also are suffering in their life. So if we expect that other people to fulfill all the needs and all the requirements 100% in our life, that's not going to happen. Realise It, Because everyone personally is going through suffering. Understand about this. That is called dukkha. And the third one is that no one in this world is totally under your control. You cannot control people around you totally. That is called anatta. You are out of control of this world. The problem is we worry about the people that we cannot control. Can you control people's behavior? No, you cannot do that. Can you control how people behave and how people treat you? How people talk to you? How people think about you? No! That is their own business. So what you can control is how you live in your life. The way you live in your personal life. That is totally under your control.
So understand these three things.
- Everything is subjected to change.
- Everyone is suffering in their own worlds.
- Not everyone in this world is totally under your control. This is called the truth in this life.
COMPASSION AND LOVE
Once you understand this, you know and you will learn how to be compassionate on people. How to love people and then you can wish, no matter what happens to you, if you stay with me or if you did not stay with me, it's okay. I wish the good of you. I wish the happiness of you. Then that love will never hurt you.
But attachment, when you get too much attached to people, it will definitely hurt you. So, wish the good for everyone, wish the happiness on everyone and then you will find the peace that you're seeking for in your life.
